NUTAN
SARAWAGI
Please Just Let Me Be Me
You think
I am brilliant
Which I
am anyway not
brilliance
lost in its own sunshine
a heart
beating without a heart!
to set my
mind to rest
to test
myself of all the things
I know I
may have said?
do I really
mean what I say?
or is it
just to cover myself
from the
sinking feeling
which
never lets go
sinking
down my heart!
the
shadows of depression
that
never leave me
the
haunting feelings which
forever
haunt me
only to
taunt me
that I
know too much
or at
least pretend
to know
too much!
I have a
lot of learning to do
and
unlearning too
before I
rest myself in peace
making
peace with myself
telling
myself that I have a long way to go
before I
set myself to rest
without
any protest!
I hate
myself I know
want to
destroy everything I know, not know
taking
down with me the little or nothing that's left of me
sinking
it deep within me!
I sink
not
letting go of myself
I think
then why
do I want to die
just
another pretense to lie
that I
don't want to live
when I am
actually DYING..to LIVE !
I say I
am not afraid of death
it's the
biggest lie to myself!
why I am
afraid of telling the truth
believing
in half measured truths?
I am
tired of testing myself so much
selling
myself to others' for not much
they
don't know what I want?
I just
want to rest in peace
to be
alone with myself
where
even I cannot find myself!
Can you
help me!
I am a
liar to the core..who believes in no one
hurting
others to save myself
in the
bargain hurting everyone!
what's my
problem ..I don't know?
no harm
to me has anyone done
then why
am I not bleeding myself
instead
of bleeding others' to death?
why don't
I get a life
before I
destroy others' lives!
who has
given me this right?
it is MY
‘I’ which protests
but no
one..can take it away from me
and
replace it with thee, for anyone is better than me
in this
game of being one
I have
already lost, no one has won
I just
want to be one
with
thee!
Oh god
please help me!
I want to
believe in thee
but my
reasoning, just does not let me be
for if I
don't exist...then how can you be?
so both
of us let's die, like stars in the sky
in
another day we shall live
where
life will be a distant dream
where
only you and I will live
that day
I shall await
when you
will be one
with me!
until
then please let me be
I just
want to rest in peace
please
just let
me be
me!
Copyright
@ Nutan Sarawagi
Who Was To Blame
As I
waited outside the ICU on the day
wondering
what the docs would say
my heart
skipped a beat gave way
as I
typed feverishly to write
in
emotions so hard to describe
to read
my favourite poets lines
Mandour
Saleh Hikel
in his
thoughts to align
the
sadness of those children lost in war
in a pain
indescribable so raw
as I
thumped on the keys of my Lappy
collecting
my thoughts in an anger
which
just wouldn’t thaw
why was
the world so wraught in pain
in others
plight what was its gain
hurting
others in it so inane
I wrote
my heart in a pain so lost
loosing
myself
taking me
away from my own thoughts
for I
couldn’t bear to see my father’s pain
he was so
strong unable to withstand fraught in its pain to lull him to sleep
in the
tranquillisers, the sedatives
they gave
him to numb his pain
but
nothing would ease his hearts pain
as he
turned and twisted writhing in pain
that day
I wrote as if I would never stop
the
journey of my pen began
in a pain
so stark
like the
knifes edge
cutting
its pain so sharp
and then
I never stopped
the
solace it gave me
you could
imagine not
in a pen
which had taken off its journey unafraid to stop
I wrote
on everything that was possible not in my life to pick on a life so lost
from
children to mothers silenced in their voice
in cries
of war silenced for life
on women
who had lost their children in vain
in the
tragedy of life
who was
to blame?
on
children aborted
killed at
birth
on
mothers whose children
were
taken away at birth
away from
their children their voices unheard
for they
were mothers, unwed, scared of the world
on women
who were burnt in their homes
in
ransoms for dowry’s sold by their own
in
parents who cried in their unrequited love
when
daughters where enflamed
hung in
their love
(on
children who were abused by their own
on women
raped in broad daylight alone
by
husbands at night beaten
why?
were they
not their own?
who was
to blame?
of sex
workers who had no claim to life
in their
name only their desireless listless
lustful
lustrous bodies to light
to rub
off men in their rancorous dirty desirous hungering delight
why was
this so
why was
this life
as I
wrote feverishly
spelling
out my life
seeing my
life through their eyes
in tears
that fell
on each
page of mine
smeared
forever
smudged
in their ink
when my
lines
froze in
their death
to claim
why do
you write
to live
in this life
of no
acclaim
forging
ahead my pen I lay slain
in my
sword showing me the way
I had to
bring them out of this shrouded life
to make
the world hear their voice
if only
it was in just my voice
more
voices would join to lend
give them
a voice
and soon
we became a voice together
as we
wrote every story of every women’s life
as they
became alive in my own eyes
there
pain more real than the pain of my life I forgot my own in colours of my own
as I
painted them alone in a pain my own
my pain
hurt in me but no more alone
it joined
in their pain no longer alone
I had
given them a voice more than my own suddenly it dawned on me I realised it was
my own , no more theirs , but my own
asking
them to join me , no more alone ,
don’t
leave me , take me along , as yours , my own , never alone
I had
come into my own
with them
with me , no more alone
with my
own
To find
my lost voice with them alone
now never
alone
Home
Copyright
@ Nutan Sarawagi
....And Now Mama
It’s My Turn
We are
seeped in customs
which
brings death
old
traditions which are dead
but we hold
onto them like lead
not
letting go
in our
greed misled
in
daughters who we loose to lust
grown up
with such love as we let them go
we cry
in our
tears to wipe an eye
why do we
let them cry
in their
love to never die
we send
them in a love so great
in it our
love to take
lost
forever as they die...
in a tear
that falls so dry
father
why did you let me go
can’t you
see me suffer so
in their
wrath to burn even more
in an
anger turned towards me
you
didn’t bring enough
bring
some more
in a
dowry to burn and glow
in my
death to see your love
in its
ashes turn to dust
for this
day did you bring me up
in a love
mistaken in its truth
in
cinders to burn with you
let me go
now I
leave you
but don’t
forget that one day will come
when
another daughter will burn
that day
you will remember as the one
that took
your daughter away
that day
to learn
stop this
burning of brides
who are
your households pride
as they
go up in flame
crying to
you
don’t
give us a name
let us be
the daughter you gave away
to another’s
son love us the same way
I am that
same daughter
that’s
come
to you...
don’t
burn me in your hate
for your
daughter in you will turn...
in her
flames to see you burn
in eyes
that you turn to me
in those
eyes to turn...
mother
you let her burn
now it’s
my turn
Copyright
@ Nutan Sarawagi
I Am A Woman
sometimes
I wonder
if I
really rest in me
do I
really exist?
or am I a
ghost the world can't see
I tremble
in myself
people
bypass me
waiting
in the gallows
always
being punished
for what you
have done to me
scarred
me for life
I am
hollow
as hollow
as can be
as I eat
away my inside
my inside
eating within me
why am I
caught in my own guilt pangs
my own
guilt always punishing me
as if I
am punished in life's corner
it's
always punishing me
my life
is my own sadness
in its
life reflecting me
protecting
me against myself
in my
protection protecting AGAINST me
I am your
hurt
but no
one can
see my
hurt
hurting
within me
it is
always my fault
for the
world
does me
no wrong
if I err
it's not their fault
I am the
erring wrong
come and
get me
take me
to the gallows
I am your
guilt punish me
to be
thrashed
until
death
as even
death punishes me
even in
my death I am punished
an
example for everyone to see
for I am
a woman I am always guilty
erring
in life's
eyes erring
why is
everyone
always
punishing me
take me
to life's gallows
punishing
me
I am
life's shadow as
I lie in
your shadow
life's
shadow
Why is
then life
always
punishing me
Copyright
@ Nutan Sarawagi
To Him
This is a triology a
three part poem addressed to my father in as he lay fighting for his life
****************
My dad
gave me the biggest smile
When he
saw me in the ICU today
my dad
gave me the biggest smile
lighting
up the room
lighting
up my day
now he lies
tired
asleep
will he
wake up
to smile
to another day?
I wait
for that day with bated breath
waiting
for that smile to comeback
to rise
from his bed
to greet
me
as he did
just that very day
melt my
heart in the same way
as my
heart awaits his smile
beating
me to that smile
as my
heart with his heart beats
matching
his smile to my every heartbeat!
in my
heart I picture that smile
picturing
him with his heart
smiling
his smile on that very day!
God
please give me
my dad
back
for I
can't imagine another day
without
him
waiting
for that day
waiting
for him to smile that special smile
just like
he did on that day!
An ode
to my father
such a
strong Man
lying so
helpless
reduced
to the last rungs of life
fighting
for his life as no man can
wish I could
give him my life!
In panic
as he
outstretches his hand
to
stretch out his life
but life
shows no remorse
little
realising that he was their life!
in taking
his life
they take
away life
life
which was to be loved
now lying
dead before their eyes!
if this
life
then I
fear death
for
giving it's meaning to life
take away
death
and there
is no meaning left to life
life lies
dead
in
finding its own meaning to life!
I hate
death for what it means
for in
death lies the meaning of life!
without
death there is no life
life and
death are both meanings of life
without
one the other cannot survive
in death
lies life
life
without death
is no
life!
give me
death
for in my
death lies my life
in my
death
lies my
father’s life!
I won't
let you take me away from him
for in my
life
lies his
life!
They
finally took him away from me
There is
this whole process of dying
nobody is
crying
as the
doctors push the tube
through
every part of his body
he is
dying
he
cringes in defeat
his life
in death retreats
don't
hurt him more
my heart
cries
haven't
you done enough damage
in your
hope to
bring him
alive
as the
syringes enter his body
to make
him numb dull his senses
put him
to sleep , lessen his agony
as he
sleeps!
wake up
daddy
don't go
to sleep
fight the
pain
don't
accept defeat!
you have
to survive
to prove
us right!
put the
doctors to shame
till
their heads hang in shame
show them
your will to survive
as they
pronounce you dead
in your
death they want to thrive
don't let
them get the better of you
don't let
the monsters of death
invade
you
as they
poke you
and prod
your heart in the hope
to revive
your heart
make your
beat fast
please
stop all these invasions
invading
into his body
stop
intruding
let him
die in peace
undisturbed
finally
he
finally looks in peace!
Copyright
@Nutan Sarawagi
NUTAN
SARAWAGI
NUTAN SARAWAGI is from Mumbai, India. She
loves poetry. She loves to colour words in the colours of verse. She has a
Master’s degree in Education and is a designer by profession. She writes mainly
on women and children. She feels very strongly about women’s issues and the
children of war. She wishes she could set the world right for them.
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