NUTAN SARAWAGI



NUTAN SARAWAGI

Please Just Let Me Be Me

You think I am brilliant
Which I am anyway not
brilliance lost in its own sunshine
a heart beating without a heart!
to set my mind to rest
to test myself of all the things
I know I may have said?

do I really mean what I say?
or is it just to cover myself
from the sinking feeling
which never lets go
sinking down my heart!

the shadows of depression
that never leave me
the haunting feelings which
forever haunt me
only to taunt me
that I know too much
or at least pretend
to know too much!

I have a lot of learning to do
and unlearning too
before I rest myself in peace
making peace with myself
telling myself that I have a long way to go
before I set myself to rest
without any protest!

I hate myself I know
want to destroy everything I know, not know
taking down with me the little or nothing that's left of me
sinking it deep within me!

I sink
not letting go of myself
I think
then why do I want to die
just another pretense to lie
that I don't want to live
when I am actually DYING..to LIVE !

I say I am not afraid of death
it's the biggest lie to myself!
why I am afraid of telling the truth
believing in half measured truths?
I am tired of testing myself so much
selling myself to others' for not much
they don't know what I want?

I just want to rest in peace
to be alone with myself
where even I cannot find myself!

Can you help me!

I am a liar to the core..who believes in no one
hurting others to save myself
in the bargain hurting everyone!

what's my problem ..I don't know?
no harm to me has anyone done
then why am I not bleeding myself
instead of bleeding others' to death?
why don't I get a life
before I destroy others' lives!

who has given me this right?

it is MY ‘I’ which protests
but no one..can take it away from me
and replace it with thee, for anyone is better than me
in this game of being one
I have already lost, no one has won
I just want to be one
with thee!

Oh god please help me!

I want to believe in thee
but my reasoning, just does not let me be
for if I don't exist...then how can you be?

so both of us let's die, like stars in the sky
in another day we shall live
where life will be a distant dream
where only you and I will live
that day I shall await
when you will be one
with me!

until then please let me be
I just want to rest in peace
please just let
me be
me!

Copyright @ Nutan Sarawagi






Who Was To Blame

As I waited outside the ICU on the day
wondering what the docs would say
my heart skipped a beat gave way
as I typed feverishly to write
in emotions so hard to describe
to read my favourite poets lines
Mandour Saleh Hikel
in his thoughts to align
the sadness of those children lost in war
in a pain indescribable so raw
as I thumped on the keys of my Lappy
collecting my thoughts in an anger
which just wouldn’t thaw
why was the world so wraught in pain
in others plight what was its gain
hurting others in it so inane
I wrote my heart in a pain so lost
loosing myself
taking me away from my own thoughts
for I couldn’t bear to see my father’s pain
he was so strong unable to withstand fraught in its pain to lull him to sleep
in the tranquillisers, the sedatives
they gave him to numb his pain
but nothing would ease his hearts pain
as he turned and twisted writhing in pain
that day I wrote as if I would never stop
the journey of my pen began
in a pain so stark
like the knifes edge
cutting its pain so sharp
and then I never stopped
the solace it gave me
you could imagine not
in a pen which had taken off its journey unafraid to stop
I wrote on everything that was possible not in my life to pick on a life so lost
from children to mothers silenced in their voice
in cries of war silenced for life
on women who had lost their children in vain
in the tragedy of life

who was to blame?

on children aborted
killed at birth
on mothers whose children
were taken away at birth
away from their children their voices unheard
for they were mothers, unwed, scared of the world
on women who were burnt in their homes
in ransoms for dowry’s sold by their own
in parents who cried in their unrequited love
when daughters where enflamed
hung in their love
(on children who were abused by their own
on women raped in broad daylight alone
by husbands at night beaten

why?
were they not their own?

who was to blame?

of sex workers who had no claim to life
in their name only their desireless listless
lustful lustrous bodies to light
to rub off men in their rancorous dirty desirous hungering delight

why was this so
why was this life

as I wrote feverishly
spelling out my life
seeing my life through their eyes
in tears that fell
on each page of mine
smeared forever
smudged in their ink

when my lines
froze in their death
to claim
why do you write
to live in this life
of no acclaim
forging ahead my pen I lay slain
in my sword showing me the way
I had to bring them out of this shrouded life
to make the world hear their voice
if only it was in just my voice
more voices would join to lend
give them a voice
and soon we became a voice together
as we wrote every story of every women’s life
as they became alive in my own eyes
there pain more real than the pain of my life I forgot my own in colours of my own
as I painted them alone in a pain my own
my pain hurt in me but no more alone
it joined in their pain no longer alone
I had given them a voice more than my own suddenly it dawned on me I realised it was my own , no more theirs , but my own
asking them to join me , no more alone ,
don’t leave me , take me along , as yours , my own , never alone
I had come into my own
with them with me , no more alone
with my own
To find my lost voice with them alone
now never alone
Home
Copyright @ Nutan Sarawagi





....And Now Mama
It’s My Turn

We are seeped in customs
which brings death
old traditions which are dead
but we hold onto them like lead
not letting go
in our greed misled
in daughters who we loose to lust
grown up with such love as we let them go
we cry
in our tears to wipe an eye

why do we let them cry
in their love to never die
we send them in a love so great
in it our love to take
lost forever as they die...
in a tear that falls so dry
father why did you let me go

can’t you see me suffer so
in their wrath to burn even more
in an anger turned towards me
you didn’t bring enough
bring some more
in a dowry to burn and glow
in my death to see your love
in its ashes turn to dust
for this day did you bring me up
in a love mistaken in its truth
in cinders to burn with you
let me go
now I leave you
but don’t forget that one day will come
when another daughter will burn
that day you will remember as the one
that took your daughter away
that day to learn
stop this burning of brides
who are your households pride
as they go up in flame
crying to you
don’t give us a name
let us be the daughter you gave away
to another’s son love us the same way

I am that same daughter
that’s come
to you...
don’t burn me in your hate
for your daughter in you will turn...
in her flames to see you burn
in eyes that you turn to me
in those eyes to turn...
mother you let her burn
now it’s my turn

Copyright @ Nutan Sarawagi






I Am A Woman

sometimes I wonder
if I really rest in me
do I really exist?
or am I a ghost the world can't see
I tremble in myself
people bypass me
waiting in the gallows
always being punished
for what you have done to me
scarred me for life
I am hollow
as hollow as can be
as I eat away my inside
my inside eating within me
why am I caught in my own guilt pangs
my own guilt always punishing me
as if I am punished in life's corner
it's always punishing me
my life is my own sadness
in its life reflecting me
protecting me against myself
in my protection protecting AGAINST me
I am your hurt
but no one can
see my hurt
hurting within me
it is always my fault
for the world
does me no wrong
if I err it's not their fault
I am the erring wrong
come and get me
take me to the gallows
I am your guilt punish me
to be thrashed
until death
as even death punishes me
even in my death I am punished
an example for everyone to see
for I am a woman I am always guilty
erring
in life's eyes erring
why is everyone
always punishing me
take me to life's gallows
punishing me
I am life's shadow as
I lie in your shadow
life's shadow
Why is then life
always punishing me
Copyright @ Nutan Sarawagi






To Him

This is a triology a three part poem addressed to my father in as he lay fighting for his life
****************

My dad gave me the biggest smile

When he saw me in the ICU today
my dad gave me the biggest smile
lighting up the room
lighting up my day
now he lies tired
asleep
will he wake up
to smile to another day?
I wait for that day with bated breath
waiting for that smile to comeback
to rise from his bed
to greet me
as he did just that very day
melt my heart in the same way
as my heart awaits his smile
beating me to that smile
as my heart with his heart beats
matching his smile to my every heartbeat!
in my heart I picture that smile
picturing him with his heart
smiling his smile on that very day!
God please give me
my dad back
for I can't imagine another day
without him
waiting for that day
waiting for him to smile that special smile
just like he did on that day!


An ode to my father

such a strong Man
lying so helpless
reduced to the last rungs of life
fighting for his life as no man can
wish I could give him my life!
In panic
as he outstretches his hand
to stretch out his life
but life shows no remorse
little realising that he was their life!
in taking his life
they take away life
life which was to be loved
now lying dead before their eyes!
if this life
then I fear death
for giving it's meaning to life
take away death
and there is no meaning left to life
life lies dead
in finding its own meaning to life!
I hate death for what it means
for in death lies the meaning of life!
without death there is no life
life and death are both meanings of life
without one the other cannot survive
in death lies life
life without death
is no life!
give me death
for in my death lies my life
in my death
lies my father’s life!
I won't let you take me away from him
for in my life
lies his life!


They finally took him away from me

There is this whole process of dying
nobody is crying
as the doctors push the tube
through every part of his body
he is dying
he cringes in defeat
his life in death retreats
don't hurt him more
my heart cries
haven't you done enough damage
in your hope to
bring him alive
as the syringes enter his body
to make him numb dull his senses
put him to sleep , lessen his agony
as he sleeps!
wake up daddy
don't go to sleep
fight the pain
don't accept defeat!
you have to survive
to prove us right!
put the doctors to shame
till their heads hang in shame
show them your will to survive
as they pronounce you dead
in your death they want to thrive
don't let them get the better of you
don't let the monsters of death
invade you
as they poke you
and prod your heart in the hope
to revive your heart
make your beat fast
please stop all these invasions
invading into his body
stop intruding
let him die in peace
undisturbed finally
he finally looks in peace!
Copyright @Nutan Sarawagi


NUTAN SARAWAGI

NUTAN SARAWAGI is from Mumbai, India. She loves poetry. She loves to colour words in the colours of verse. She has a Master’s degree in Education and is a designer by profession. She writes mainly on women and children. She feels very strongly about women’s issues and the children of war. She wishes she could set the world right for them.





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