MARIANA QUNBAR SELMA

MARIANA

QUNBAR SELMA

They Had Told Me

“Everything comes once we stop waiting

both trains and people”

I did not believe them

I was waiting

Like a rainy April would wait for springtime

I counted neither the days nor the years

I counted stars and clouds

I did not want to be like them

In my eyes I was carrying my world

Learning how to wait in it..

They had told me:

“Waiting is like brushing your hair against the wind,

Those who come, will come even without the wait”

They did not understand me!

It is not only I who is waiting

It is the eternity waiting in me

There are roads and bridges in me

Road signs and doors to the heart

Even the heavens are waiting with me

And two windows with a view of hope

Silences and solaces are with me

and arms spread wide for an embrace …

ZNAKOVI

Rekli su mi

"Sve dolazi onda kada prestanemo čekati

i vozovi i ljudi "

Nisam im verovala

Čekala sam

Kao kišni april koji čeka proleće

Nisam brojala ni dane i ni godine

Brojala sam zvezde i oblake

Nisam želela biti poput njih

Svoj svet nosila sam u očima

U njemu sam čekanje učila..

Rekli su mi :

"Čekati je kao češljanje na vetar,

Oni koji dolaze doći će i bez čekanja "

Nisu me razumeli !

Ne čekam samo ja

To večnost u meni čeka

U meni su ceste i mostovi

Putokazi i vrata srca

Sa mnom i Nebo čeka

I dva prozora s pogledom na nadu

Sa mnom su tišine i utehe

i ruke za zagrljaj raširene ...

Road Signs

Would Not Be Right

I don’t know if it was just a dream

or if someone had told me the story about him

perhaps, I had known him personally

but I won’t talk about it, I must not, it would not be right!

He would walk into my dreams on whim

without knocking, suddenly, the door to my heart would tremble

I would think of monsters, and he was a mere illusion,

someone carried away by the day, just like this tale,

which is not a fairy-tale, as it has no happy ending.

He would come on the days tumbled out of calendars,

without any special sign, he would tread upon my thoughts

quietly at times, and sometimes, he would wake up the stars themselves

he smelled of forbidden fruit and sin

perhaps, I had known him personally

but I won’t talk about it, I must not, it would not be right!

I would get angry with him, would chase him away

'-What are you doing in my thoughts when you are not mine,

and why are you moving into my dreams illicitly?!’

And at dawn I would not know if he had really been there

or if it had only been my nightmares

I would feel confused, for by daylight my dream would vanish, too

without a trace or sound, leaving me only with

the smell of his cigarette smoke in my nostrils ...

Were the dreams real or was the reality real

I knew not, but I knew with ease

how to replace the mask of fear with the mask of courage

and wait for the days and moments stolen from time,

collect illusions in the box of colourful lies

fearing the storm in his heart

would carry him to someone else’s dreams

And then he suddenly vanished for a long time

my heart told me he retreated into oblivion

common sense celebrated an asinine victory

and for days on end he lay heavy on my chest

and I hated the nights when I would miss him.

Today, I remember him with a melancholy, and sometimes

I catch myself still waiting for him

and I don’t know through whose dreams he’s strolling nowadays

I just know it had tasted as sweet as forbidden fruit

And that I was hiding him in the verses of my poems

where he still resides,

but that poem I would never publish.

I don’t know if it was just a dream

or if someone had told me the story about him

perhaps, I had known him personally

but I won’t talk about it, I must not, it would not be right!

NEMA SMISLA

Ne znam da li sam to sanjala

ili mi priču o njemu ispričao neko

možda sam ga i lično znala

ali o tome neću, ne smem i nema smisla!

U mom snu on je ušetavao kada mu se prohte

bez kucanja, naglo, zatresla bi se vrata srca

pomislila bih čudovište, a bio je samo iluzija

neko koga je odnosio dan kao i ovu priču

koja nije bajka, jer nema srećan kraj.

Dolazio je danima ispalih iz kalendara

bez posebnih znakova, kretao mi se kroz misli

nekad sasvim tiho a drugi put bi i zvezde budio

mirisao na zabranjeno voće i greh

možda sam ga i lično znala

ali o tome neću, ne smem i nema smisla!

Ljutila bih se na njega, terala ga

'-Šta ceš u mojim mislima kada nisi moj,

i zašto mi se bespravno useljavaš u snove?!

A jutrom nisam znala da li je stvarno bio tu

ili su to bile samo noćne more

Ostajala sam u dilemi jer je s danom nestajao i san

bez traga i glasa ostavivši mi samo

u nozdravama miris dima njegovih cigareta ...

Da li su snovi bili pravi ili je java bila stvarna

to zaista nisam znala, ali sam znala s lakoćom

zameniti masku straha s maskom hrabrosti

i čekati dane i trenutke ukradene od vremena

sakupljati iluzije u kutiju šarenih laži

plašeci se oluje u njegovom srcu

da ga ne odnese u nekim tuđim snovima

A onda naglo nije ga bilo dugo

srce mi je reklo da se povukao u zaborav

zdrav razum je slavio neku glupu pobedu

a meni je danima u grudima stajao

i mrzela sam noći kada bi mi nedostajao..

Danas ga se sećam s nekom tugom, a ponekad

uhvatim sebe da još uvek ga čekam

i ne znam u čijim snovima ovih dana šeće

Znam da je bilo slatko ko zabranjeno voće

I da sam ga u belškama mojih pesama krila

i još uvek je tamo,

ali tu pesmu ne bih objavila, nikada.

Ne znam da li sam to sanjala

ili mi priču o njemu ispričao neko

možda sam ga i lično znala

ali o tome neću,ne smem i nema smisla!

Nothing Lasts Forever

Nothing lasts forever, even the Gods have died one by one

Time has been dying, too

In some other days, memories lay dying

The years gone-by already laughing at it all

But only I still weep in my poems over you

Mornings often remind me

Of the sky in your eyes

The wild wind under your lashes

Remind me of the song etched in my soul

of July rains and wet pavements

Of the places in which I looked for your footprints

finding only traces of time

that erases everything, but the pain

Streets, cars, strangers

a movie scene, a page from a book,

lyrics from the morning radio song

And your eyes with the sky above the sunflowers

This little piece of preserved happiness while I’m thinking of you

And this thing in me that defies all deaths,

Lost kisses that will never find their way to your lips

And my mind enflamed by lust

in an already weary body

I, myself no longer understand anything

While I’m pondering the fate written in the stars

Standing on the bridge of the river that long ago stopped flowing in your memory

I would plunge

I would drown in the ocean of your chest

In the place where silences speak

Where the truth lies buried

And yet, I am alive

Reflecting on the fingers unjoined

Kept for you

All that has not been mine for a long time

Powerless to kill this pain

by silence or by words

While offering to others a fake smile

I weep in my poems

Over you

NIŠTA NIJE VEČNO

Ništa nije večno I bogovi su umirali jedan po jedan

Umiralo je vreme

Umirala su sećanja u nekim drugim danima

Svemu se već smeju prohujale godine

Samo ja još uvek

Zbog tebe plačem u pesmama

Često podsete me jutra

Na nebo u tvojim očima

Divlji vetar ispod tvojih trepavica

Podsete me na pesmu zapisanu u mojoj duši

na julske kiše i mokre pločnike

Tamo gde sam ti tražila stopala

a pronalazila samo tragove vremena

koje briše sve osim boli

Ulice, automobili, nepoznati ljudi

scena filma, stranica knjige,

reči jutarnje pesme s radija

I tvoje oči s nebom iznad suncokreta

Sačuvano

ovo malo sreće dok mislim na tebe

I ovo nešto u meni što prkosi svim smrtima

Zalutali poljupci koji nikada neće stići do tvojih usana

I moja zapaljena svest požudom

u već umornom telu

Ni sama više ništa ne razumem

Dok razmišljam o sudbini zapisanoj u zvezdama

Dok stojim na mostu reke koja odavno ne teče tvojim sećanjima

Skočila bih

Udavala se u okeanu u tvojim grudima

Tamo gde govore tišine

Tamo gde je zakopana istina

I opet, živa sam

Razmišljam o nespojenim prstima

Sačuvanom

Za tebe

Sve ono što odavno nije moje

Nemoćna da ubijem ovu bol

niti tišinom niti rečima

Dok lažno se smejem drugima

Plačem u pesmana

Zbog tebe

MARIANA

QUNBAR SELMA

MARIANA QUNBAR SELMA writes under the pen name SELMA. She was born in southern Serbia, the village of Leskovac, Serbia on March 22, 1969, and since 1992 she has been living and working in Jerusalem, Palestine. She writes poetry, fiction and essays. She has published five books, out of which four were poetry collections, and one a novel. 1. Awakening 2016, a collection of poems. 2. Poems as Traces and Dances, 2016 a collection a poems. 3. TEMPEST (and a Breeze) 2017, a collection of poems 4. A Fistful of Darkness 2018, a collection of poems 5. The Woman with a Chameleon Soul 2018, a novel